I

Remembered

Thy Songs

In The Night

Psalm 77:6

Inspired by the Lord

Written by Cindy Elliott

I want to dedicate this to my loving husband Keith.  Like Joshua he witnessed the miraculous Red Sea crossing, the supernatural signs, and was there through the entire desert journey.  He accompanied me up Mount Sinai and waited as I received direction.  Keith was fearless in the Lord, and never loss sight of our eternal hope.  His eyes were always on Jesus.

Secondly, I dedicate this to my little prayer warrior, Roxanne, who broke down more strongholds than she will ever know.  She helped me find the music, when I couldn't remember the song.

And, thirdly, to my friend and sister in Jesus, Susan.  "She sparkles in His land like jewels in a crown."  Zechariah 9:16.

Thank you Abba Father!

 

Chapter I

Please Lord: That my message will not be with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit's power, so that our faith might not rest on men's wisdom, but on God's power.

"Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit, says the Lord Almighty."

Zechariah 4:6

Well, here it is 2:00 A.M.  How many nights has God woken me, only to have me argue, "but Lord, sleep, I need sleep."  How many times has he called me to record, but I've argued, "what do I have to say, who would want to hear?"  But you won't win an argument with God.  He'll let us argue, complain, and rationalize but His will will be done.  So even though I have nothing to say, God does.  I pray the Holy Spirit will provide the words, and I open myself to be a willing daughter of a loving Father.

About four years ago God began calling me to record, remember, and share.  This in and of itself should show what a patient and loving Father we have.  My favorite name for our Creator is Abba.  How many times has God been a Daddy to me?  Only a 'Dad' would put up with my moaning, my groaning, my broken promises, my complaining, arguing, and whining and still say, "daughter, you are precious."  My husband Keith is in the Navy and at that time was gone as much as he was home.  We've been blessed because he has had little time away compared to most sailors, but at this time they were having trial after trial at sea.  The Enterprise had just come out of the shipyard. [ I only go back that far because this is where God has told me to start. ] I was blessed with being surrounded with people who had such strong faith, and God seemed to be so strong and evident in them and their lives.  I knew I was saved.  By God's grace Jesus has been alive and within me since I can remember  (I remember taking Him to kindergarten with me).  But I questioned, was He "in me"?  Did the power of God really reside in me?  Because my Dad loved me so much, He wasn't going to let me walk around with this doubt hanging on my heart.  And so He began a work.  I was to be touched again and never be the same.  God has done so much in my life before this, but this is the adventure He wants me to take you on.  Because God has called me to record this, I won't apologize but will explain what is by now obvious, I am not naturally good at expressing myself in words.  Words don't flow from me but I continually pray the Holy Spirit will provide the words. Later I will call on the help from one God has placed in my life to correct grammar and spelling.  (Thank you, Susan).

Well, to the story.  Keith was away more than he was home and I began to realize that Roxanne and I were under attack.  We both went from having bronchitis, to pink eye, to the flu, to foot and mouth disease (something I thought only cows had) to everything under the sun.  Nothing  "life threatening" but definitely wearing.  One night I remember praying and realizing "enough was enough".  Roxanne was about five at the time.  She was sleeping quietly next to me and I began to feel strength building up in my spirit.  I began to pray the Word, and God "opened my eyes" to the spirit world where the real battle was going on.  Our physical bodies were only manifestations of what had been going on in the world we couldn't see.  With each Word I saw dark shapes being sliced.  I saw the brightness of the "Sword of the Spirit" as it cut and drove away the darkness that had been over us.  And I knew this was a battle I wanted to be part of.  Needless to say, the infections and sicknesses left us.

I began to have such a desire to be used of God in this fight against this darkness that has such a hold on so many lives.  I began to be led of God and soon realized the power that He so much wants us to tap into, but I doubted my ability to do so.  One night I had another vision/dream.  I don't know if I was awake or not but I do know it was real.  Keith was away and, as usual, I got Roxanne and I to bed early so I wouldn't lay in the darkness and allow Satan free rein with my imagination.  Well, this night I heard someone at our door.  I got up to see if I had locked it and realized too late that I hadn't.  I saw a face peer in.  The face was covered in paint and made over as a clown.  I walked as close to the door as my terrified body could but lacked the strength to push on the door, scream, or even cry for help.  But my Abba Father was faithful.  He heard the cry from my heart, even though I was too frightened to utter it from my lips, and he pushed the door closed for me, locking it against (who I later realized was) a demon.  I heard the screams and cries coming from outside my door, and the cries of hurt and suffering from my neighbors.  "You will not fear the terror of the night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday.  A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you."   How well I was going to learn this!  All I could do at this point was collapse in weakness and thank the Lord for his faithful protection of his daughters, Roxanne and I.

Months later I had another vision/dream.  Again the attack was in the middle of the night with Keith gone.  I just knew someone was coming in our apartment and again I went in fear to face the intruder.  When I got to the entryway, I saw a huge dark form had entered.  I couldn't see its face but felt over- powered by the darkness and fear that seemed to radiate from this form.  The darkness had gotten so close I could feel it beginning to wrap its form around me.   I could feel the heat of its breath.  But this time I was able to utter a cry;  I think it was more of a whimper.  In an instant there was an angel in front of me.  Just his presence, or actually the presence of God who was with him, was so powerful the darkness was flung from the apartment and the door shut and locked.  Just as God had shut the doors of the ark to protect Noah, He had shut the door of  "our ark".  "Because he loves me," says the Lord, "I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.  He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him.  With long life will I satisfy him and show him my salvation."  Thankfulness and love filled me as I thanked and praised Elohim, the Creator of heaven and earth, God of might and strength.

Well, the next attack wasn't as sly as the first two. Again, I have to say a vision, a dream, I don't know.  It didn't happen in the stillness of the night nor was the demon clothed in the quietness of the dark.  It was broad daylight. As bold as can be this demon walked into our apartment. Again, I was much afraid and made a mad dash to the phone.  Oh, me of little faith, who do I make my first cry to?  911.  The line was busy and I remember shouting, "how can 911 be busy?"  I continued to dial, slam the phone down in frustration, and scream at no one in particular about my irritation with our emergency system.  In all this I began to see the humor of calling the police to ask them to rid my home of a demon.  Instead of something to be feared, I saw this demon for what he was.  The smell of weakness and disgust began to permeate from his form.  And now the power of God did begin to swell in me.  "Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.  Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes.  For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the ruler, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.  Therefore put on the armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.  Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled round your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.  In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.  Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God."  I began to speak the Word and saw that Satan and his kind are overcome with the blood of the Lamb.  This time I followed the demon out of our apartment and into the street.  Praise God for his Word and the infinite power of prayer in the name of Jesus!  Praise Jehovah-Shalom who had brought peace to my heart and into our home!

I can't even find the words to express my love for God at this time.  I was totally filled with the love of my Abba Father.  How I wanted to love Him as He first loved me.  And so I prayed a prayer that had I known [the end result] I might never have uttered the words.  But God hears the prayers of our heart. Either way it would have been heard.  I felt such a need to love deeper, "so that Christ may dwell in my heart through faith.  Being rooted and established in love may have power together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ.  To know this love that surpasses knowledge- that I may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."  I prayed asking that I could better understand the suffering that Jesus had experienced on the cross so that I might better love and appreciate the Gift and the Giver.

 

Chapter II

God's will, done God's way, by God's appointed person(s), in God's timing, will get God's results.

--Ron Smedley

"But I trust in You, O Lord; I say, "You are my God."  My times are in Your hands…"

--Psalm 31:14-15

It was Saturday, November 22nd, and just a handful of days from Thanksgiving 1997.  How powerful are a thankful heart and an attitude of praise. " Be joyful always, pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Jesus Christ." Thanksgiving is one of my favorite days.  Actually everyday is a day of thanks but so many of us miss out on our days of thanks.   I know this to be a day that many unconsciously experience the power of praise and thanksgiving.  This was to be a Thanksgiving of Thanksgivings.  It would definitely be set apart from others by the circumstances that would surround it before and after.  I would through the grace of my Father more fully understand the words of Paul when he wrote in 2 Corinthians 12:9, "Most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me".

Keith's dad had "gone home".   Roxanne reminded me that our prayers had been answered.  Dad was whole, healed and delivered.  Not our way but God's way.  Dad had been diagnosed with cancer just a couple of months before.  Everything happened so fast, so unexpected.   But God is faithful, "and for those who love Him we can hold on to the promise that all things work together for the good of those who love the Lord."    We could stand in the assurance that Dad had gone home and we would be seeing him again.  Jesus had given Keith the opportunity to speak with his dad as never before.  Things had worked together for an everlasting good.

November 22nd, two days home from Dad's funeral found me sitting in the doctor's office.  I had been having more than an average amount of problems with headaches and sinus problems.  I hadn't been able to read in months without being dizzy and nauseous, and I seemed to tumble down the stairs more often than walk down them.  My prayers of late had been help me to "'be" with Roxanne.  Help me to hold my head up, make a meal and just be.  I homeschool, but any allusions I had of teaching during this time were long gone.  I began to think that my intelligence level peaked at second grade and dropped off from there.  I wondered if these terrible headaches, nausea, and pain were from "burnout".  I 'd heard homeschool mothers talk of this and wondered if these were the symptoms.  I began to see how serious this condition of  "burnout" could be.  I knew God had called us to homeschool and I firmly believe that if He calls, He provides all we need.  Had I heard him wrong?  I hadn't heard much lately except my own cries from headache pain in the middle of the night .  I use the word headache but there are those of us who know that there are headaches and than there are HEADACHES!  Keith had woken up the previous night to a wife huddled in a ball, crying, and holding her head.  It was at his insistence that I was, where I was.

I had visited the doctors on numerous occasions over the last couple of years for headaches, sinus infections, allergies, etc.   What I hoped for with this visit was a referral to a specialist.   The doctor asked me what my problem was, took a look, gave an exasperated sigh, and then asked me what "women did before medicine"?   This was a good time to be reminded that God is not a god of circumstance.  His ability to move on behalf of us is not controlled or effected by the attitude, cynicism, or non-cooperation of others.   It is important to understand this so that we can know our reaction does not have to depend on the reaction/actions of others, but rather on the promise that God is generously and eternally able, with an infinite surplus of resources, to do unconditionally what he has promised.  Thus our reaction is not to one's cynicism or non-cooperation but should be the manifestation of our faith, by the grace of Jesus, in a God who is, was, and will always be compassionate, giving, and Love. [ God's will, done God's way, by God's appointed person(s), in God's timing, will get God's results --Ron Smedley.]   This doctor may or may not have been a man of God.  He was still going to be used by God to achieve God's purpose for me at that time.  The doctor had no control over how God was going to use him -- and use him he did.  The long-of-the-short- of-it is I did get a referral, by the grace and power of God, and thus started another adventure.  Once again, I was to be not only touched but also held in the arms of Jesus.

Monday, November 24th, three days before Thanksgiving and two days after the above visit to the doctor, found me in the Otorhinolaryngology Clinic, and later that day at Radiology for a CAT scan.  Though I didn't know it, God was soon to say "go".  Like the Israelites who left Egypt, it was, ready or not, go.  The Israelites left with their unleavened bread to spend 40 years in the wilderness being purged of a rebellious and unbelieving generation.  I was to spend a year being purged of distrust.  A year spent in consecrating a heart of little trust.  Moses had his mountain to climb.  I was to have mine.  If I could face my fear of the cliffs, the heights, and the impossible ruggedness, I would find immeasurable blessings and the glory of God.

Early Tuesday, November 25th, two days before Thanksgiving, I was to be directed toward my Red Sea.  The phone rang early.  Anyone who has just had a cat scan of her head doesn't like to receive an 8 AM call from her doctor asking her to please come in, FIRST THING this morning.  I had someone's house to clean that day and, between my choices, cleaning seemed immeasurably more pleasant than hearing news that I know I didn't want to hear.  So I got in our car to run away from the bad news and to a job I knew I'd have trouble concentrating on.  I was driving full speed ahead toward Tarshish.  No Nineveh for me!  But as Jonah did, I found you can't run from God and His purpose, at least not very long.   I began an argument with my Abba.  He knows me to be quite argumentative, at least to have very strong opinions, and I didn't get more than a couple of miles down the road before I was explaining to Him why I shouldn't go in the doctor's office.

I was sure they had found a tumor on my brain and I didn't want to hear about it.  Doesn't not knowing make it nonexistent?  From personal experience I can honestly say you don’t always want to hear what God has to say.  He's honest, direct, and always right.  And so He spoke and told me, "yes a tumor, but I can take care of it.  Go".  And so I turned around and found myself facing a compassionate doctor whose words were carefully, kindly, and honestly chosen.  He spoke of a tumor, not on my brain, but throughout my sinuses, which had probably been growing for about 10 years.  It was thinning out my brain skull and disfiguring a bone in my cheek.  Possible cancer?  Always a possibility.  For a moment I was bowled over.  But my Abba Father is faithful even there in the doctor's office, "Though the olive crop fails… I will be joyful in God my Savior!  He showed me what a blessing this was.  There was a reason for my headaches, my confusion, and my disorientation.  I was called to be a mother and teacher, and there were reasons for my inadequacies (at least one very big reason).  And my heart spent a moment in praise of my God.  When there's not a name or a reason, the problem seems unsolvable, the obstacle impossible.  Now we had a name, a reason, and, best of all, a God who was big!  Bigger than tumors, cancers, or fears.

In less than a week I would begin my trek through my Red Sea, I'd visit my Mount Sinai for instruction, I would follow in faith and receive daily the manna of hope, courage, joy, strength, and peace.  God would lead, I would follow.   Many days I'd be looking down rather than up, but that was OK.  It was on those days that I'd walk one step at a time and in the footsteps of my Jesus.   Many would see "giants" but I would stand with my husband, Keith, and we would be as "Joshua and Caleb" and we would see God.  Keith would be a constant reminder that GOD IS BIG!  All through this adventure I would have "my Joshua by my side.  He would never loose sight of the possibilities of God.  I would also have the faithful support of friends who would be willing to walk the walls of Jericho with me for as long as it took to bring the walls down.  Jesus would touch me.  He would not only touch me supernaturally but would also touch me with the very natural and real touch of family and friends.   One very special touch would come from my daughter, Roxanne.  Unbeknown to her, she is my little prayer warrior.  Daily her little hands would rest on me in prayer, and unaware of the flood gates she would open and the strongholds she would pull down, her little hands would become a big vehicle for God.

 

Chapter III

"The great acts of love are done by those who are habitually performing small acts of kindness."

I don't know who said that but whoever did must have had a friend as I have in Susan.  She's a mixture of Ruth, a model of love and loyalty, the Shunammite Woman in II Kings 4, who was so willing to share of her house and her home, Mary, mother of Jesus, a woman with a strong heart for God, Mary, Mother of James and Joseph, who was loyal to the end not even wanting to abandon Jesus even in death, Dorcas, a doer for others, Eunice and Lois, sincere of faith, and Priscilla, a steady and sure servant of God.  Susan and her family would play a big part in the following year.  They would be a second family to our daughter, Roxanne, bringing her into their home and hearts.  Susan would provide more dinners and meals than would seem possible.  They would allow us to interrupt their home and routines.  We would share their holidays and school hours.  They would be sure, strong, and faithful and they would be our refuge through many storms.  They with others would be holders of a canopy of prayer which would cover us.

I remember a conversation I had with Susan that Tuesday before Thanksgiving right after my visit to Dr. Reiger at the Otorhinolaryngology Clinic.  She was getting ready to leave and spend the holidays with her family in New York.  I called to let her know how my holiday was starting, It was just a quick call, one that probably put quite a damper on her and her family's holiday, but it was the making of however festive ours was going to be.  When I first lifted the phone, my mind and my spirit were in battle with fear and panic.  As I spoke to Susan, her words served to calm my spirit.  It was almost as if God was saying, "Don't be overly concerned. You have no need to fear and no reason to panic.  I have Susan doing that for you."  She assured me she would be taking me to a healing service that was being held regularly in a nearby neighborhood as soon as she returned.  I can't thank Susan more for her reaction, as it served to drain me of what panic remained,  what fear still dwelled, and, especially, brought a smile to my lips and a touch of humor to my heart.  And over our quiet Thanksgiving when I would dwell too long on the pain in my head, and more directly on the reason and cause of this pain, God would remind me of Susan's words and tell me, "Don't panic, don't worry, I already have someone doing that J"

"Like cold water to a weary soul is good news from a distant land."  Friday, November 28th, found me sitting at a healing service next to one who is gifted with compassion, humor, and understanding.  My friend Diane is like cold water to a weary soul.  She is "refreshing" and her prayers and words are "God Hugs".  I would hold precious each and everyone over the coming year.

As I sat at the service, I listened to the words from the minister of God, and at the same time my spirit listened to God. " Not today, this way, I have something more for you."  I was touched as we always are in the presence of God but I was not healed.  That is not a physical manifestation.  I know my healing took place from my first cry to God when He told me He would take care of things on the highway to Tarshish.  But it was going to be done God's way, by God's appointed, in God's timing.   "If you remain in Me and My words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given to you."  I did have a request.  "Lord, Your way, Your timing…but a tumor, a thinning skull, cancer?  Could you just remove a little?  Make it all just a little less?"

 

Chapter IV

"For no matter how many promises God has made, they are "Yes" in Christ.  And so through him the "Amen" is spoken by us to the glory of God."

2 Corinthians 1:20

"I will sing unto the Lord, for he has triumphed joyously, the horse and rider fell into the sea."  I had always thought the horse and rider was one of pharaoh's men.  Today I wondered.  I felt as if the water was already sweeping over me.  I thought I felt the pressure of tons of seawater crashing down on my head.  It was Monday, December 1st, and Keith and I were traveling through our "Red Sea".  We would be traveling it more than once over the coming year.  Our "Red Sea" was highway 95.  Pharaoh's army was the darkness that would constantly try to overcome us.  " Lord, I need a sign."  The sky was dark and stormy.  I mentioned to Keith that it looked as if we were driving into a horrible storm, literally a dark, spiritual storm.  "But you blew with your breath, and the sea covered them.  They sank like lead in the mighty waters."  We came to a rise in the highway, a break in the trees, and the dark and light of the sky was totally divided.  From the rise we saw clear, blue unblemished sky.  God had literally blown away the dark and threatening clouds.  I could see them if I looked behind but I choose to focus on the Light.  My hope was to be on Jesus.  He spoke and reminded me of 1Peter 4:13, "But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when His glory is revealed."  I wasn't to be afraid of entering the dark cloud descending on my life.  God was at the other side.  His radiant Light would be waiting for me!  Better yet, but unbeknown to me, God was planning "to give me the treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places, so that I may know that God is Lord, the God of Israel, who summons me by name."

Keith and I were on our way to the Veterans Hospital for my first MRI.  I held on with all my might to the vision and promise God had given me only minutes before.  We entered the hospital and were sent on our way to the darkness and gloom of the basement.  Unfinished pipes crisscrossed across the cold and bare unfinished walls.  I could feel the cold draft that slipped through the openings where the temporary MRI unit was pushed up against the opening in the basement.  Fear as much as the cold made me shiver.  The patient before me literally rushed out through the swinging doors.  He wondered how people uncomfortable in small places could ever make it through the test.  The noise, the tiny space, the darkness, he said, was horrible.  Satan was going to take my fear and turn it into terror.  "But for those who love Him we can hold on to the promise that all things work together for the good of those who love the Lord."   Through my tears I was to see a rainbow and receive a promise from my Abba Father.

I was led into a dark room.  Through a glass panel I saw a "giant".  My Joshua, Keith, was waiting outside and so, all of a sudden, I was seeing my Goliath instead of God.  It was big, sterile, cold, white, and seemed to taunt me.  Hurriedly I was led to face my giant.  I was strapped in and left to face this monster all alone.  The darkness and noise were overwhelming.  Nobody spoke.  It seemed as though somebody was using a jackhammer right next to my head.  I couldn't move and felt my lungs refusing to take in air.  Suffocation and panic set in and I felt tears streaming down my face.  I couldn't wipe them.  I could feel my legs shaking and tried with all my might to steady them.   I knew, and I knew, and I knew, that hell for me would be dark and without air.  For the first time in my life I couldn't feel the presence of my Father.  Maybe feel is the wrong word.  Before, if I couldn't feel, I would just believe and it was enough.  But I couldn't believe.  Why would God ever be in this darkness?  I was alone, forgotten, forsaken.  And then I knew.  I was touched and I knew.  My long forgotten prayer of three years earlier was being answered.  What had I ever been thinking to pray such a prayer?  I had wanted to more fully understand the suffering of Jesus on the cross.  But no matter how dark, how alone, how frightening, God was with me and would always be.  He could never leave or forsake me.  No matter where I went, He would be there.  Unlike Christ who really did have to face the most terrible moment of not having the fellowship of His Father, I would never have to, thanks be to Jesus.  I saw the promise through my tears.  This was also my Mt. Sinai.  I would be taking more than one hike up it.  But, for today, I received my direction, my instructions.  My Father of Light, the Gift and the Giver, over the next year would be giving to me the gift of trust.  I was to be taken to a new level.  "All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God."  2 Corinthians 4:15.

 

Chapter V

"Then they opened their treasures and presented him with gifts of gold and of incense

and of myrrh."

 Matthew 2:11

Well, we were to start a waiting game.  Waiting for one test and one report after another.  The waiting game would take all of December.  But it's not that which I want to touch on now.  I didn't call to mind Matthew 2:11 because it was the "holiday season".  This verse is called to mind in honor of a very special friend who would open her heart and lend her hands.  She would do this more times than I could count over the coming year.  Liz would travel out of her way, bearing a gift of food, service, or friendship.  Liz was the Magi come to visit, all three wrapped in one.  Unexpectedly, she would come bearing gifts!  To Keith there was no greater incense than the wonderful aroma that filled the air from the pizza dinners Liz provided.  To Roxanne no richer gold than the gold of friendship that  Miss Liz so freely gave.  To me Liz provided myrrh.  There was one point during this year that I felt baffled despair, bereavement, and pain because of the total confusion and disarray of my house.  Liz brought the sweet smelling myrrh of hands willing to clean.  She faced the lion's den of dirt, dust, spiders, and other things that crawl in the night.   What she left behind was the sweet bouquet of a healed home.  What sunshine is to flowers, water to the thirsty seed, the first light to a new sprung sprout, Liz has been to us.  She was our angel of mercy, an answer to a pray spoken only between my Abba and I.  Thank you doesn't seem enough, and it makes me happy to know that Liz has a greater reward waiting for her in heaven.  "Whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me."  Matthew 25:40

Sometimes we all need angels we can touch.  Angels with a face, hands, and skin like ours.  Our friends have been that.  I pray that God will bring to mind the many who have touched us over the year, but suffice to say something greater than our thanks is already waiting for them.  Our Abba treasures each kindness, be it a service, a prayer, or a thought and a greater reward awaits our angels in heaven!

 

Chapter VI

"For with God nothing shall be impossible."

Luke1: 37

"Patience is better than pride" Ecclesiastics 7:8.   That verse describes my doctor to a tee.  He was willing to wait, to be found wrong, to be sure.  I didn't realize until later that it was his patience, his "we have time" attitude, that God was using to unfold his plans.

"But for that reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life" 1 Timothy 1:16.  Well, I was like the little one in the back seat who as soon as you pull out of your driveway asks, "are we there yet"?  I was about two weeks into this 12-month adventure and I wondered are we there yet?  To a child, time has no meaning, except it’s long or short, and I was no different.   "Didn't I trust enough yet?  Could we do something else?  Did you really mean one WHOLE year or did you mean sort of one year?"  I would sit with Abba and ask the same question over and over.  Not "heal me". That was done.  But "is it over?".  I could feel His smile -- like a parent smiles who knows that even though the answer remains the same, the question will be asked over and over again.   "Are you sure you want me to do this?"  "And our fellowship is with the Father and with His Son, Jesus Christ" 1 John 1:3.  I would look into the eyes of my Abba and see what a precious child I was to him.  And a grin would spread over my face in return to His smiles.  He never showed a trace of impatience, only love, gentleness, and kindness.  He knew what I needed.   His gentle laughs sooth my soul and my cup would be filled to overflowing as we fellowshipped in the spirit.

We got our first report back from the MRI reading, which was a verbal verification that I had a tumor.  The doctor at the veteran's hospital wanted a few more pictures though.  And so Keith and I headed through the Red Sea and I, once again, was to enter the fiery furnace, the mouth of Goliath, the den of lions.  But unlike the first visit to Mt. Sinai when I received promise and direction, this time I came out of the furnace un-scorched, with the head of my giant, and with purring kittens at my side.  The Lord replied, "My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest" Exodus 33:14.

Soon after, we received the "official" written report from the veterans hospital.  My doctor told me that it wasn't believed to be a tumor but sinus disease and two mucoceles, which were aggressive and were causing the distortion of the bones.  I was also having terrible pain in my left eye, but after a visit with the ophthalmologist, it was confirmed that everything was normal with my eye and that pressure from the sinuses was the cause of this pain.  And so on the scale from worst to best, God had faithfully moved me down a notch.  I had asked and he had answered. But my patient doctor was still awaiting confirmation on tissue samples that had been sent to Washington D.C.  The surgery would wait.  And we would enjoy the holiday season, celebrating in the Good News of Christ, and the new lease on life I felt.

 

Chapter VII

"He went out not knowing whither he went."

Hebrews 11:8

Well, the New Year came and with it the confirmation that I did not have a tumor.  And so with the New Year came surgery, and with the surgery, trust.  I prayed I could quietly leave the results to Him.  I had never had surgery before.  I didn't know what to expect.  I know the Lord didn't send the sinus problems I had, but He had allowed it.  And He had made the decision that the miracle would be worked through the hands of my doctor and his team.  And so like Abraham, who had no idea where he was going, I too stepped out.  "Abraham, like a stranger in a foreign country; he lived in tents" Hebrew 11:9, and I like a stranger in a foreign country was to enter the cold and clean surroundings of the operating room, draped in sterile covers.  And so early on the morning of January 6th, 1998, Keith and I drove to the hospital.  My Joshua, sure and steady, would be tested today, too, but he would come out shining.   I wish I could say the same for myself.

We arrived at 6:00 A.M. and I was quickly introduced to the fashion world of hospital gowns and robes.  It didn't take long to get settled -- that is settled in every way except my nerves.  I was hoping the Spirit would bring to mind an inspirational verse to explain this day, but the only words that came to mind are "feather by feather the goose was plucked."   This should be indicative of what kind of day I would be having.  8:00 A.M. found me reclining on a gurney outside the OR and my nurse giving me my IV.  As I nervously lay there watching the activity of people coming and going, the clock slowly ticked away.  I over heard snatches of people's lives and studied the patterns on the ceiling.  About 45 minutes and many IV drips later, my nurse came to let me know that we were waiting for the delivery of a special instrument that my doctor wanted to use.  There had been some problem with traffic but it should be here by 10:00.  I was soon on a trek back to my room, flaps flying, and dragging an IV unit along with me.  I came back to my sure, positive, and strong Joshua.  45 minutes later found my doctor in my room explaining that the instrument had been sent to the wrong place but should be here soon.  At 11:30 my nurse came flying in with the good news.  The instrument was here; we were ready to go!  Once again I headed down the hallway to the OR, IV and all.  My gurney had long since been occupied so I was loaded onto another one, tucked in, and readied to go.  Nerves taunt, limbs trembling. I saw the lights begin to flicker.  The hospital had lost its electricity and was running on a generator.  I would have to return to my room.  Dejected, downcast, I slowly made my way back to my room.  To say I was discouraged is to put it lightly.  I don't think even my flaps were flapping and if they were, I didn't care.  I lay like a lump and mumbled like the little girl in Miracle on 34th Street, "I believe, I believe."  Keith did believe!  He told me "trust, God will take care of it."  And he did.

By 12:00 I was again signed, sealed, and ready to be delivered into the OR.  Everyone was moving like lightening.  Nobody wanted to send me back to my room again, that is, not until the surgery had been done.  The long-and-short-of-it is the surgery went well.  They had removed so much from my left sinus cavities they joked about my head falling to one side from the loss of weight.  So the flesh had made it through the surgery.!  It had passed the test.  My spirit?  That’s another question all together.  I felt so relieved after the surgery; sick and sore, but relieved.  Like a child, I was willing to take the easy way out.  I told myself the test hadn't been that bad.  Boy, that year had gone fast.  Somehow I disillusioned myself into believing a month and a half equaled a year.  Or maybe God had said "purged" for the New Year not for a year.    I sure wasn't blown over.  I didn't feel really changed or moved.  But that’s  OK.  Or was it?

 

Chapter VIII

"When the disciples saw this, they were indignant.  "Why this waste?" they asked.  This perfume could have been sold at a high price and the money given to the poor."  Aware of this, Jesus said to them, "Why are you bothering this woman?  She had done a beautiful thing to me."

Matthew 26:8-10

"He saw the disciples straining at the oars, because the wind was against them.  About the fourth watch of the night he went out to them, walking on the lake.  He was about to pass by them, but when they saw him walking on the lake, they thought he was a ghost.  They cried out, because they all saw him and were terrified.  Immediately he spoke to them and said, 'Take courage!  It is I.  Don't be afraid.' Then he climbed into the boat with them and the wind died down.  They were completely amazed, for they had not understood about the loaves; their hearts were hardened" Mark 6:48-52. I had trouble recording chapter VII. Like the disciples, I didn't hold up too well against the winds.  I too had experienced first hands "the loaves" in my own life, but unlike the disciples had had the help of the Holy Spirit to give understanding.  Like the disciples I cried out, but God used my Joshua to identify Him and His hand.  12:00 had come and Jesus climbed into the boat.  It was a good thing Keith was there to welcome Him.  I guess I was a little in the flesh that day.  But truth is truth, recorded or not.  But sometimes what we see is not what God sees.  What we think is, really isn't. In Matthew 26 when Mary anointed Jesus with perfume, his disciples saw waste.  Jesus saw beauty.   Many times we have to wait to see the fullness of God, the whole shebang.   January 6th was only part of the whole.

There was forward progress that day, even if it meant a step back.  Maybe the progress is the now, the ability to reflect, to remember, to see.  I know that the craziness of January 6th didn't happen just to happen.  Like Abraham by faith I began my journey that morning.  Abraham stepped out in faith toward the promise that God had given him.  I, too, stepped out moving closer to my promise, my inheritance.  God did some pretty remarkable things in Abraham's life.  He has done some pretty remarkable things in mine, also.  But when the ball was passed, I like Abraham fumbled it, botched it, blew it, and failed.  But even a failure, a fumble, a botch, God can and will use.

In Genesis 12 Abraham (Abram at that time) went to Egypt.  Sarah, known than as Sarai , was a beautiful woman and Abraham was afraid that if the Egyptians knew she was his wife, they would kill him and spare her.  For the moment Abraham's trust in God faltered.  He saw the circumstances instead of the promises and faithfulness of God.  I did the same on January 6th.  But God in His mercy didn't give up on Abraham.  And in His mercy he won't ever give up on me.  "He saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy" Titus 3:5.  As with Abraham God, who is faithful, would work me back toward His will and His purpose.

I, as did Abraham, would still have many tests to face.  When the big test came, Abraham passed with flying colors.  The question then is, will I?  My Abba Father can best answer that.  "But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumphal procession in Christ and through us spreads everywhere the fragrance of the knowledge of him" 2 Corinthians 2:14.   You see, the final victory isn't mine.  It's God's.  It's not my win or loss, only my gain. My Dad wrote the test.  He knows the answers.  I can't loose.  What an awesome God!

 

Chapter IX

"He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion."

Philippians 1:6

I had been given a new lease on life, a second chance, and a fresh delivery of fruit.  I'd wake each day and feast on the fruits of love, joy, and peace.  Oh, how wonderful to be able to think, read, function and smell!  Each household chore was a treasure to me.  I hadn't been able to take care of my family in this way in months, actually closer to a year.  My favorite time of day is the morning, so clean, fresh, and new.  Now each moment of my day felt fresh as the first morning hour.

Doesn't there always seem to be one in the crowd?  You know, a party pooper, a wet blanket, and a spoilsport?  Someone to rain on your parade?  Well, I had my bubble buster, too.  That little something about one year would try to nag at me.  I stored it away with the other little annoying reminders in the cupboard of my heart.  I shoved it in and closed it tight.  Eventually my little cupboard began to get pretty full.  If someone accidentally pulled it open, what a mess.  There certainly wasn't any room for anyone but me in there.  If you ever get a chance to see my Tupperware cupboard, what I just wrote will become reality to you.  There's a real trick to how this cupboard works.  If you have to put something in, you have to move really fast.  Any exchange of give or take needs to be done in a split  second.  There is no time to sightsee.  No time to think, "is this the best choice?"  No time to compare or contemplate on your selection.  Purpose plays no roll.  Take a deep breath, open, push, shove, grab, and slam shut!  You're making a gallon of orange juice but grabbed a quart container?  No problem, we'll just make it a little thick, we'll make it work.  It may not taste the best, may make a little bit of a mess.  But we'll make it work.  The cupboard of my heart began to look like the Tupperware cupboard of my kitchen.

God will let us move on.  Sometimes blunder after blunder.  But he will complete what He has started.  "The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me" Psalms 138:8. About six weeks after my surgery God decided to bring me back.  It was time to get back to work.  I began to have infection after infection and antibiotic after antibiotic.  By June I could neither blow nor breathe through my left sinus.  By mid-July I was in excruciating pain.  My house was in a mess and my sinuses were a disaster.  God was setting the stage.  Putting everything in place.  "Then he said to them, my soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death.  Stay here and keep watch with me" Matthew 26:38.  I would be saying that one night, sharing in the suffering of Christ.  I would see the shadows of the evening grow long.  But I wouldn't see them alone.  My Jesus would be with me.  He would provide prayer warriors to help keep watch with me.

God was getting ready to work a miracle.  Not just a miracle, but a BIG MIRACLE.  And if you've ever been around when a big miracle takes place, try to remember the atmosphere.  What were the conditions?  What were the odds?  I would hazard a guess that things were not only very difficult but pretty much impossible.

Chapter X

"A bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out, till he leads justice to victory.  In his name the nations will put their hope."

Matthew 12:20-21

I am not the perfect patient.  My choice would always be, to be touched supernaturally and never have to come in contact with a doctor ever in my entire life.  I don't like needles, sterile environments, taking medicine, and I don't like to complain (to my doctor that is).

One of the biggest obstacles my doctor has had was myself.  When he would ask how I was doing,  I never knew what to compare it to.  Headaches, pain, nausea, those were all apart of normal day life.  When the pain drew tears from my eyes, that was a  "bad" day, but it could be worse.  When I went too many nights without sleep because of headache and nausea, that was a "bad'" day, but it could always be worse.   When the pounding was so hard between my eyes that they couldn't focus, that was a "bad" day, but I knew it could be worse.    When I lost my joy and my strength, that was a "bad" day, and I wondered could it be worse?  The "bad" days began to be more prevalent, and soon they became "bad" weeks.   I began to lift up a daily request for four extra angels to watch over me, one to hold my left eyelid open, one for my right, and two to hold me up and move me through the day.

In my Bible in the book of Nehemiah chapter 8, in the margin next to the verse, "The joy of the Lord is my strength" is the date August 28, 1998, and a note that says "this is the power to preserve in faith to the end."   I remember praying for direction, inspiration, and a verse.  My mind by this time was mush.  I was drained, as hard pressed as one could get without being crushed.

Between my June visit and August 28th, we had gone through another MRI, 4 cat scans, one surgery, numerous blood test, and were in the mist of a waiting game.  I needed another surgery so that the mucocele by my skull could be taken care of, and I, also, had a sinus fungus.  My doctor had been surprised that it hadn't gone away after my January surgery.  He had seen it then but had thought that, like most fungi, this one would die a natural death once exposed to air.  It seemed to be another type of fungus.  He ran some tests, just in case.  There were words like" fatal", a treatment that’s a "nightmare", and other undesirable words and phrases that would be said without thought.  Add to these, insurance company problems and you could see the scales begin to tip.  I would spend hours on the phone talking in circles and getting nowhere.  Most the time I was met with confusion, cynicism, and non-cooperation.  It wasn't really anybody's fault.  We were all lost in a new system that the military had set up for our benefit.

I remember a very special day that I sat as a bruised reed, a smoldering wick on our front porch.  My doctor had referred me to Yale Medical, and I had spent (between the night before and that morning) three hours on the phone trying to get a referral set up.  I also had been having some bad headaches and hadn't had a complete night's sleep in about one week.  As I was switched from one person to another on the phone, I felt such a desire to say something hurting, something horrible.  I wanted somebody else to be suffering as I felt myself suffering.  I prayed for God to set a guard on my tongue.  Deep down I wanted to be a good witness.   A few words slipped from my mouth.  My dissatisfaction with the inabilities of the workers began to surface.  And even as I spoke, I could hear the Lord.  "They really are doing their best."  He was handing me a call to compassion.  He was saying, lay down the fleece.  And in God's grace I broke into tears.  The minute I said yes to God and chose compassion over judgment, everything changed.  I remember a woman coming on the phone with the gentlest voice I had ever heard.  "Everything is fine.  I don't know what the problem was.  Everything is here; everything is taken care of.  Don't bother calling back.  Just go; go to your appointment."  "Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by so doing some people have entertained angels without knowing it" Hebrews 13:2.     Hmm…

I sat on our porch in the silence of the morning.  The only noise heard was that of my sobs as they racked my body and the quiet opening and closing of the front door as my daughter would gently come now and again to lay her little hands on me.  She was God's vehicle of healing that day.

It's exhausting to get to rock bottom.  But now that I was there, I could begin to experience God's best.  Real change was beginning to be made in me.  My resources had been exhausted, my strength depleted.  I was calling on the Lord.  And "the joy of the Lord is my strength."

 

Chapter XI

"The great day of the Lord is near- near and coming quickly."

Zephaniah 1:14

Well, with September came the start of a new school year.  Together, as a family, we were going to be exploring our spiritual heritage through celebrating the feasts of Israel.  Rosh Hashanah, the High Holy Days, Yom Kippur, and Sukkoth…all lurked just around the corner.  I had books, plans, and dreams for each.  Surgery, doctor appointments, tests, fungi, trust: what did those have to do with the feasts of Israel?  Actually, I have no idea.  But the point is that God had plans, and if I had learned anything by then, it was that we were going to be doing exactly what God wanted us to be doing.  "If it is the Lords will, we will live and do this or that" James 4:15.

Rosh Hashanah found Keith and I down at Yale Medical center.  The High Holy Days were spent giving blood, taking tests, and visiting doctors.  Yom Kippur found me getting an in-depth eye exam, and having my pre-surgery doctor visit, starting some steroids, and a new anti-fungal rinse for my sinuses.  And Sukkoth, October 5th, would find me at the hospital, having surgery.  The days of Sukkoth would be spent in recovery and in writing a testimony to God, and Simhat Torah would find me back at the doctors office for my first post surgery visit.  I laugh with real joy in anticipation of the remaining holidays (feasts) and what the Lord has planned.

But before the finish, one more "giant" would have to be fought.  But how different this battle would be from any of the others.  God was moving!  He had been working in circumstance, in myself, and in others.  God, Himself had been dressing me for the battle, He was even organizing an army for me.  God wasn't setting the stage; He was starting the last act. "The great day of the Lord is near- near and coming quickly." The day had come, the gun had sounded, and the clock had struck!  Heart, don't fail me now!

 

Chapter XII

"But I have trusted in thy mercy; my heart shall rejoice in thy salvation. I will sing unto the Lord, because he hath dealt bountifully with me."

Psalm 13:5,6

I had been through basic training and I was ready for war.  There had been rumors of a bloodthirsty giant heading this way.  The tales of his brutal and cruel acts had reached far and near.  We heard he left only death and destruction in his tracks.   I checked to make sure everything was in place.  My belt buckled, breastplate in place, feet shod, helmet on, sword at my side, and shield resting against me, just waiting.

Waiting.  It seems like I had spent an eternity waiting.  But today was the day.  There would be no more waiting and no more wondering.  I wasn't the calm, cool, collected; seasoned warrior like the others my Father had organized.  I sat with my fingers intertwined to help me keep from fidgeting.  I could feel the sweat gather between my cold palms and building up under my eyes.  I was just waiting for orders.  What was to be my part in this upcoming battle?  Remember Father, I'm still young, immature, not very brave.  But when you have someone who believes so strongly in you, you begin to believe in yourself, also.  All of a sudden you want to do all they say you can do and be everything they say you can be.  OK, Father, I'm ready.

The orders:  "Our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."  Ephesians 6:12.  "Stand your ground." "Stand firm."  "Do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering as though something strange were happening to you.  But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed."   1 Peter 4:12-13. "Do not be surprised."  I wasn't surprised, I was in shock.  I'd have to sit and absorb this one for awhile.  Or maybe since I'm supposed to be standing, I'll stand for awhile.  Keep breathing, deep breath, take a deep breath.  I was breathing again.  I looked into my Father's understanding eyes.  The love I saw there cuts to the quick.  He believed in me.  He really believed in me.  I looked around at the army that my Father had gathered and saw them as the good, solid, trust worthy soldiers they are.  I wasn't going alone.  There were some in this army who had fought foes stronger than this.  Many were seasoned warriors.  Most had been in the front line of more than one battle.  "Father please give me strength.  Father help me to be fearless, as I should."

It was time to move! Do good soldiers tremble? Do they fear the unseen? Does a faithful soldier ever doubt?   I felt faint as panic squeezed the air from my lungs.  My head began to feel light and I began to forget the reason why I was there.  "What am I doing here?  What's going on?"  And than I felt the hands of those my Father had sent to protect and stand by me.  I looked around and saw the dependable, steadfast warriors surrounding me.  Now I remembered.  I was here because of that giant.  I had a battle to win.

I knew I was in good company.  My Father handpicked each and every one of those soldiers long before I ever had need of them.  They were all standing ready.  Their faces showed their unshakable loyalty to my Father.   They, like I, couldn't resist the love of my Father.  Somehow He brought out the best in us.  He found depths we didn't even know exist.  One thing I did notice, these soldiers had positioned me in the middle.  The enemy would have to fight hard to get through to me.  I was surrounded by steady, sure, and strong bodies.  Thank you Father.

"There he is!  He's worse than I could ever have imagined.  Oh no, just as I thought."  One look at the enemy and I was trembling like a leaf in the wind.  "I'm no good for battle.  I'm no warrior."  My knees were trembling so hard I was sure to fall.  The ground was so uneven, and with my trembling knees I felt like I had two left feet.  "I knew it.  I'm stumbling, going down!  Wait, what was that?"  It was the steadying hand of one of those sure and steady warriors that my Father had chosen.  Thank you Father.

"It's worse than I thought.  He's not alone.  He's brought other giants with him.  How can we fight all those giants?  Father, I know this is the moment you have been preparing me for.  That whole year spent in basic was for this one moment.  Help me, Father, help me be strong and fearless.  Let me look at those sure strong steps of the warriors around me and be encouraged.  Help me hear the steady rhythm of their stride and be calmed.  Each foot they plant is immovable until it's time to take another step forward.    Father, help their determination and confidence inspire me to the same.  Father, help me believe."

"It seems like the ground is churning.  Were these giants so strong they could even lift the ground and cause it to move like waves under our feet?  Listen to their wild cries of war!  Isn't anyone else afraid?  These giants are strong, maybe too strong.  These warriors of my Father don’t' seem to frighten at all.   They have their eyes fixed not so much on the giants as on something higher than them.   Look at their faces.  Why would love be reflected in their eyes?  I thought all warriors looked fierce, mean and cruel during a battle.  Where does their faith come from?  Where do they find the strength to move forward?"

"I don't think we can continue to move against this tide.    This horrible mud we're marching through makes each step we take excruciating.  My feet are beginning to feel like lead weights with all the mud attached to them.  The muscles in my legs are burning with each step.  The burden on my back seems to push me deeper into the mud each step I take.  I feel spent.  I don't think I can move any further. "

"But wait, I feel so much lighter. I don't believe it.  One of my Father's warriors is carrying my burden along with his.  Thank you! Thank you ,Father, for those You chose to stand with me.  Thank You for the tender mercies they so freely give.  You really have instilled so much of You in their hearts.  These warriors will never give up and, Father, they won't let me give up either.  Thank you. "

"We may be crazy but we're facing these giants! We're moving forward.  This is great!  We're actually winning.  We're facing the giants.  Oh!  Oh, how that hurts.  I have never felt such searing, fiery pain.  Somehow that sword slipped right through my armor.  I've had it.  I'm gone now.  What's this?  My Father's warriors are laying their bodies over mine.  They're taking the hits meant for me, the arrows sent from my enemies."

"Go on.  Go on without me.   No.  Don't let me hold you up.  What's that? You're going to carry me.  You're going to carrying me so I can share in the victory.  Why?  Because you love my Father.  I know what you mean.  Thank you."

"We're still moving forward, though now my feet aren't even touching the ground.  I feel like a potato sack slung safely over the massive shoulder of this seasoned warrior.  Look at those scars.  So many.  This warrior has fought some battles.  He's seen some action.  Some of these look pretty fresh, raw.  He certainly hasn't been taking any breaks between assignments.  This one looks like it only happened yesterday, but yet he's still carrying me.  It must be causing him such pain, yet he's carrying me anyway.  I need to know something about this warrior who is so willing to face battle after battle, one who is willing to carry my pain on top of his.  I'll ask my Father.    He'll know.  Father will not only know his name; he'll know everything about him.  I know each one of these warriors is so important to my Father.  He values them more than He values His own life."

"We won!  Father!  We won!  The warriors you picked did it.  They were unbelievable.  They never gave up!  They never quit!  When I got wounded they protected me and carried me.  Father they did it all!  They were incredible!  Me?  You're little warrior?  You're proud of me?  I love you Father. "

 

Chapter XIII

"This is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it"

Psalm 118:24

It's easier for me to describe the battle that was fought in spiritual terms than in the physical.  You see my hope rests on Jesus not on modern medicine.  I have faith in what I couldn't see not in what I did see.  Not every battle will be the same.  But this one was a spiritual battle.  Boy, did I get tired in this one.  There were moments of doubt, fear, and pain.  But I didn't fight it alone.  In fact I was covered, carried, and brought to victory by the prayers of the saints.  My Father had mobilized an army to fight with me.  Prayers and the Word of God were our weapons.  Those faithful prayer warriors that my Abba touched the heart of took their job seriously and turned the tide.

I was losing at one moment, not so much my health, but my hope.  You see, it wasn't my health that concerned me at this point.  That is, not as strongly as wanting to make it through the battle and having the change God wanted for me -- strong and sure in my heart.  I wanted to make it to the end of this one.  I was tired from running from one doctor to another.  I was drained from the insurance inconveniences.  I was tired because I started each day tired from a sleepless night.  I began to loose proportion.  One night when I was extremely tired and my head was throbbing, I sat in prayer.  "Dad, I know friends and family have been praying.  I know that each day many think and lift me up to you.  But Dad, now.  The right now.  The 2:00-in-the-morning now.  Dad, do you have someone?  You've called me before, so I know you could call someone else.  I don't even know why I ask, maybe because I'm so tired.  I've been thinking.  Not many answers came with the answer.  I know the giant has been identified.  I have a rare fungus.  One they know little about, but You know everything.   One that can cause seizers, is invasive to eyes, and can cause visual problems.  But Your grace has covered me.  The treatment they say can be a nightmare, surgeries, and an anti-fungal that can cause organ failure.  But I trust You in this Father.  Only Abba, I want to be strong in You.  Father, right now when my soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death.  When I'm watching the shadows of the night because I can't sleep.  Is there anyone else right now, somewhere, keeping watch with me?"  And my Abba answered "yes!"

This had been my second night of no rest, built on many nights of little rest.  I hadn't been able to sleep because of the pain and pressure in my head.  I'd lay awake wanting to sleep.  I'd pray, I'd sing.  But I was exhausted.  Then my eyes wandered from my Savoir and instead looked at the three years this battle had been waging.  For a year and a half the fighting had been the strongest.  And then my exhaustion became despair.  My hope and trust were faltering.  If only I had asked my Father sooner.  He doesn't keep answers from us; we only forget what to ask.  "You do not have, because you do not ask God."  James 4:2.  "Yes.  You're not alone.  Someone is awake with you."  And my heart swelled with joy and thanksgiving.  All of a sudden my burden became light!  I found rest that night.  And would have wonderful sweet rest up to surgery.  In fact, my headaches went away.  I was able to come to surgery filled with promise.

Before I finish, I want to give glory to God in telling you about some very special prayer warriors.  When you're in God's army, you can and will be called at any hour.  What determines the caliber of soldier you are, will be your answer.  I have ignored His call at times, but God in His faithfulness is working on me.  He won't kick us out of His army, but He will pass the assignment on to someone else.   God called on a lady in New York to keep the watch with me.  I can't thank her enough for answering God's call and sitting with me in the shadows of the night.  She didn't know me but she knew the voice of our Father.  Thank you, Shirley, for answering that call.  Know that God's timing, as always, is perfect.  The night you sat watch, I was in my garden of Gethsemane.

Also in New York is a group who meet each week for a Bible study.  I thank Jesus that He placed me on the hearts of them.  They came into the battle when the tide was the strongest.  The ground was being pulled out from under me and my armor was down.  They took so many of the arrows meant for me without even knowing it.  You will be in my heart always.

"Now then, … get ready to cross the Jordan River into the land."  Joshua 1:2.  Finally, the promise!  It seemed like ages ago: the Red Sea, Mount Sinai, and the desert wanderings.  "No one will be able to stand up against you all the day of your life.  As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you or forsake you."  Joshua 1:5    Praise Jesus!

 

Chapter XIV

"Thus far has the Lord helped us."

I Samuel 7:12

Well, as I wait for my third surgery, I sit saturated in the oil of grace, love, and peace.  I can feel the joy that flows through my spirit and lift up today in praise of God.  I am eternally grateful for the prayers from so many faithful friends in Christ who have opened up the flood gates of heaven causing a shower of grace, love, peace, healing and joy